Housework for tramp/hobo

The house is a shithole.I am speed cleaning-ramming things into drawers as the crazy gang will be here for dinner(day off for me)-after three months of rain,the cats have covered everything in a heavy layer of fur,so much fur that the entire house looks carpeted throughout.This house is not carpeted throughout.Absolutely nothing is in its right room and it looks like I have been burgled by a very messy burglar.I have had a fantastic idea!If I purchase a huge ball and cover it in double-sided tape,I can push it around the house gathering cat fur as I go.Alternatively I could use my expensive 'cat and dog' vacuum cleaner from Miele but it won't be as much fun.Onwards.

The Crazy Gang come for a visit.

Extracts from Emails sent to a friend after arrival of my Mum-June,my stepfather-Mick,my aunt-Lynne,her friend-Shirley.

Day one:

Fuckedy fuck!
I am exhausted...they arrived late and confused after ignoring my instructions re bus and just fucking about,nearly left cases on bus until I reminded them.Stepfather forgot hearing aid,Mum is pissed off with my Aunt's friend Shirley-Aunt is in pain because she did not take her morphine on time.It's all cups of tea all the time.After changing 'small' room to garden room at B&B when they saw room,changed back because they would get murdered in that room(don't ask)Mum just phoned me at home to tell me it's cold in her room.I said "find the woman"ffs ffs IT IS ONLY DAY ONE.Perth tomorrow,hopefully I will be able to lose them.I can't twitter at the moment,way too hysterical.

Day two:Tray won't help.Gun may though.Went through to b and b to take them to Perth,on arrival they immediately want tea-fair enough,only 40 mins since last cup.Turn around stepfather gone.He does not know Perth.Seat 3 women go look for my stepfather,cannot find him and he does not have a mobile(also remember,no hearing aid)go and tell 3 to stay put,I will find him-head for bookies,find him going to one-force him to take mobile.Some time later,I am told that Mick (stepfather)has forgotten his Glaucoma eyedrops-very important!I go to Boots and speak to pharmacist-we have to phone GP for script/fax..shopping with them,holding bags and wheelie support thing and going back to Boots several times to see if fax has arrived.They are all sniping at each other all day and my mum is randomly talking random shite to random strangers.Get back here at 7pm.

Several tea breaks have been left out of this day and also Shirley telling me 100 times why she cannot wear Acrylic.

Gardening will kill me

I have just mown the arseing lawn after three weeks of near constant rain,grass was knee-high and lawnmower had to be reset 4,00,000 times.This took two and a half hours.

Only managed to cut three quarters of it anyway and will have to cut the very long edges by hand as I don't like the strimmer;I'm slightly frightened of it and if I cut a frog in half I would never forgive myself.

Why did I ever think that having a 100 foot of garden was a wonderful thing,that I would be growing flowers for cutting and organic veg-because it's bollocks-all I ever grow is grass and weeds.