I am reading the paper and drinking coffee when my mobile rings.It is 10.45am.
It's my mum-"What bus stop do we need,is it the one opposite the stop you pointed out to us?"
Me:Why would I point out the bus stop that you DON'T need?Why would I point out the opposite bus stop,are you joking?Anyway why are you at any bus stop when I told you the bus is not till half past the hour?
Mum:We thought the bus was at 11.04.
Me:You are just making up the timetable to fit yourselves then?You will have to get a coffee,go back at 11.25.
I go for a shower and when I come down I realise I have two missed calls,for fuck sake.I phone mum.
Me:Are you on the bus,is everything ok?
Mum:(in stage whisper)Why is the fare £11.20 we only paid £8.60 when we arrived..
Me:Mum,you are coming back here,you have bought a return ok?First ticket was a single,have a nice day!
An hour later she phones again "Where is the Royal Mint from here?"
Me:I think you mean the Royal Mile and anyway I don't know where you are exactly.
Mum:Well,I can see a bank and a McDonalds.......
Me:Get in a cab and ask for the Royal Mint.
I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't stop myself.My mum phones another 4/5 times,I think she is related to Kafka.
Three o'Clock mum phones to say they have 'finished',what should they do till they get the bus at 5.15pm?I tell them to get the 4.15pm.This is beyond their comprehension.