Friday, 12 March 2010

Things to do with your fingers apart from picking scabs!v=9ACe0ZcJiJs&feature=channelYou may scoff but I can have hours of fun making finger songs.Only arthritis will stop me enjoying this simple pleasure,even when I'm old.Unless I lose both hands in a Piano related accident.

Saturday, 6 March 2010

It's all arse about tit

You have to start from the first page otherwise it won't make much sense-I don't know how to move postings.

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Day Eight or the end of a long Month.

Drinking coffee 15 minutes before the two hourly bus through the village arrives,I only have to walk approximately 200 yds for it,so I'm not panicking but someone else is.
Phone rings.
Mum:Are you on the bus,what time are you getting here,are you coming to B&B or shall we make our way up to bus stop?
Me:How can I be on the bus,when you have called on my home phone?Stop panicking your train is not till 3pm,why do you want to leave now before 10am?
Give me strength.
The journey was horrendous with me coping with two huge suitcases on wheels and Mick taking another suitcase.I am also carrying various small bags and my Aunt's walking thingy which tries to hurt you when you attempt to fold it.How did they get all this stuff here?I managed to get all this on and off the coach with minimal help from the arsewipe driver and four old people faffing around me,saying "careful,that's heavy".
I know just how heavy thanks.
I was so hot and sweaty I had to go and wash in the Ladies and then push them all on the train,arrange their luggage-"we must be able to see it"and just manage to get off before the door shuts.

I left the Station and went a bit crazy,I bought a very expensive bra,some hugely expensive cosmetics and a piece of silver jewellery.I very rarely buy anything other than Wellingtons,garden equipment and animal feed.
This has been a small blog-I left out the really crazy stuff.

Day Seven

At last nights meal,my mother spoke for two and a half hours without stopping for breath and without waiting for replies and amazingly said nothing of note.I left them with bus time-table turned to right page,bus marked and bus-stop pointed out as the four of them intend to go into Edinburgh without me.I am going to have the day off,sleep in,listen to the radio,maybe point at random things-a lazy day.
I am reading the paper and drinking coffee when my mobile rings.It is 10.45am.
It's my mum-"What bus stop do we need,is it the one opposite the stop you pointed out to us?"
Me:Why would I point out the bus stop that you DON'T need?Why would I point out the opposite bus stop,are you joking?Anyway why are you at any bus stop when I told you the bus is not till half past the hour?
Mum:We thought the bus was at 11.04.
Me:You are just making up the timetable to fit yourselves then?You will have to get a coffee,go back at 11.25.
I go for a shower and when I come down I realise I have two missed calls,for fuck sake.I phone mum.
Me:Are you on the bus,is everything ok?
Mum:(in stage whisper)Why is the fare £11.20 we only paid £8.60 when we arrived..
Me:Mum,you are coming back here,you have bought a return ok?First ticket was a single,have a nice day!
An hour later she phones again "Where is the Royal Mint from here?"
Me:I think you mean the Royal Mile and anyway I don't know where you are exactly.
Mum:Well,I can see a bank and a McDonalds.......
Me:Get in a cab and ask for the Royal Mint.
I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't stop myself.My mum phones another 4/5 times,I think she is related to Kafka.
Three o'Clock mum phones to say they have 'finished',what should they do till they get the bus at 5.15pm?I tell them to get the 4.15pm.This is beyond their comprehension.

Monday, 7 September 2009

Day five/six

Day Five
Dunfermline Abbey very important in Scottish history since 12 century.We arrive in Dunfermline before Noon and have to immediately have a cup of tea,as we haven't had one for 35 minutes.Shirley doesn't want one.I convince them to have their lunch at the same time,so all fed and watered we head for the Abbey.
We 'do' the main building and adjoining the main building at the back,is the entrance to the original Abbey,which is a large empty space with beautiful stained-glass windows and a vaulted ceiling-it looks similar to an empty Durham Cathedral.My mum says "This is nice but it's very cold,you'd think they would heat it"I look at her to see if she is joking but she isn't.We have spent around an hour in the Abbey and its environs,when we decide to go to the main shopping area,to shop for a few hours before catching the coach back,this does not please Shirley because she needs a cup of tea.I ask her why she didn't have a cup earlier when we were at lunch,she tells me you must never drink tea after eating soup.I feel like shouting at her but manage not to.Later at the Bus Station,they insist on speaking loudly about a very butch bus driver "Do you think she is a lesbian?"I answer that I don't care I just want her to not be drunk.
"Do you think she is drunk then?"
The look on my face today has mainly been bewildered,with a large amount of despair.

Day Six
Off to Scone Palace-pronounced scoon.I am not a fan of stately homes where the bastards are in residence but they want to see it.Interesting interior,all the panelling,doors and flooring are in a honey coloured Oak,not the usual dark colour.
They are having the guided tour,while I wander off and find a Hogarth drawing,a Wilkie painting and a Reynolds,just thrown casually upon the walls.Dotted about are framed pictures of the current Lord and Lady Muck,with their 'Honourable' children.They all look exactly the same as the paintings of their ancestors-inbred arseholes.
We have to have a cup of fucking tea in the tearoom,only cost 80 quid and then visit the gift shop."Do you want me to buy you a tea towel of the Kings and Queens?"
"It's lovely though,are you sure?"
"It is not lovely and I'm sure"
"What about this nasty piece of jewellery/trinketbox/bookmark?"
"I don't want anything"
"What about this copy of a copy of a copy of a map that may or may not have existed once?"
I bought a penny Whistle for £2.99 and for the next hour entertained myself making an awful noise and enjoyed listening to the feedback from hearing aids.(Not Mick's though,as he forgot his.)I have mainly been Dennis the Menace today.

I have left out the evening meals as they are too dreadful for me to recall,let alone retell.
They are going to Edinburgh on their own tomorrow,let's see how that pans out.

Friday, 4 September 2009

Day four

I cannot even write about today,they have drained me of all my lifeforce.Maybe when you are elderly you feed off younger relatives and feeding time is when you innocently sit down with them for the sixtieth cup of tea in three hours,you think they are relaxing and drinking tea but they are not-they are sucking you dry and hypnotizing you with anecdotes about people you don't know or care about.Mum:"You know Mrs Bluecock,the woman who was a friend of Mrs Magee who lived next door to your friend Kathy's mum?She had a boy who had teeth growing out of his knees?"
Mum:2You do!He offered you a biscuit once when you were 4"
Me"I think I would remember a kneetooth boy"
Mum:"Well she died"

Fuckedy fuck.
Day three continued.
Housework done,tea and biscuits and fresh bread cooked for their arrival.They have been given specific written and verbal instructions for getting off at the village bus stop.My mum and Mick have been here before....they get off at wrong bus stop.
Finally collect them from nowhere and bring them home;it is 6.30pm and after being here for 5 minutes they say "When are we going to eat,we haven't eaten since breakfast"well that isn't my fault,you idiots and a man with diabetes is meant to eat regularly-I take them to the Inn,where 1970's food is served,food that they enjoy immensely.My mum tells me and anyone within earshot that she hasn't slept for four days,not one minute.I remind her that she was offered sleep clinic on several occasions-her answer is "What good will that do they(doctors)don't know anything".
I want to take her sleeping tablets and crush them up and put the resulting powder in her tea.